Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Who Needs A Boyfriend When Jared Leto's On TV?

My sister, Coppercrotch, basically rules. For my birthday she paid Amazon to ship me the complete series box set of My So-Called Life. She spelled words wrong in my card/Amazon billing slip, but who's counting? I LOVE YOU, CC! And as a treat to whoever looks at this thing on occasion (by "thing" I mean "blog"), I plan to post RECAPS of each and every angst-y, emo-addled, bitter-pancakes episode. Yes, that's right: You win.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

"The Great Drunken Spending Orgy Is Nearly Over"

Well, I promised the economic dirt, and this blog has enough mud for all the housing the federales will be forced to build after the bankrupt middle-class loses its price-inflated equity-deprived dwellings. That's right people: Worthless dollar bills are about to hit the fan.
Then again, they may not. What do I know, really?
Anyways, The Health Ranger thinks so and he PREDICTED THIS WHOLE DAMN MESS BACK IN 2005 (don't worry, the article I link to refers to the prediction).
He's not a psychic, he just lives on superfoods and really expensive supplements. Coppercrotch's theory: His brain thinks more clearly, with higher-grade logic than most since it isn't clogged with bong resin, whiskey goo and Lunchables' preserve.
I highly encourage you to read to entire article, but I know you won't. So I've taken the liberty of cutting and pasting the best/most useful junk below.

Making The Case


"Americans have been convinced over the last seven years that housing prices would rise forever, allowing people to simply extract money from their home equity as if their house were some sort of giant ATM machine." (emphasis mine)

"...'economic good times'... powered by astonishingly fraudulent lending practices by dishonest banks..." (emphasis mine)


"And the worst part of it all? The only way out of this financial mess is for the Federal Reserve to steal yet more money from the American people by printing more money and hyperinflating the currency." (emphasis, the Health Ranger's)

"...this nation won't learn its lessons about the laws of economics until the currency is near-worthless, the population is destitute, the banks are owned by wealthy foreigners and the neighborhoods are boarded up and abandoned due to a massive wave of foreclosures." (again, emphasis his)

"...the Federal Reserve is going to be trying (in vain) to print its way out of the debt implosion by creating hundreds of billions of dollars out of thin air -- an act that quietly steals money from the people due to the loss of purchasing power (inflation)."


1) Own Your Car 2) Own Your Home 3) Stop spending money on stupid overpriced things 4) Protect Your Health 5) Own Productive Land 6) Own A Bicycle 7) Diversify Your Money, Son


The fucking US government is going to have to re-evaluate their spending habits. See below the top three WASTES the US puts money into:

"1) WAR: Department of Defense + Veterans' benefits ($580.5 billion)
2) DISEASE: Medicare + Medicaid ($614.1 billion)
3) DEBT: Debt to the people (Social Security + Welfare) and to debt holders (interest on national debt) ($1,115.4 billion)

What's fascinating about all this is that these three things take up 85% of the federal budget! (Total 2006 federal budget was $2.7 trillion.)" (emphasis his)


"The Plunge Protection Team in Washington (and at the Fed) will do their best to keep propping up this economy like a Weekend At Bernie's."

You don't read Weekend At Bernie's jokes all too often. Score.

Good Luck, friends. Link to full article here.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Forewarning: Forewarning Forthcoming

I am currently working on a depressing blog regarding the state of our economy, which will include the quote (possibly as the title, if she fits): "This nation has actually been partying like a rich banker's daughter on her 21st birthday who borrowed daddy's credit card and hit the town for a night of (finally) legalized drinking." ( Newstarget.com)

So until that killer is ready for posting (the article is eleven pages!), let's escape reality for a little longer via movie recommendations! I've got three for ya.

1) SherryBaby, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as a single mom//former drug addict//current sex addict//sexual abuse "survivor"//parolee// mess of a person. Actually, I have 20 minutes left in that one -- but so far the "that's pretty fucked up without being obvious and manipulative" factor holds strong (which I always consider a positive attribute of an indie flick).

2) OT: Our Town is a documentary about high school kids from Compton's hood attempting to put on a stage production of "Our Town" -- without funding, an auditorium, skills or the basketball team's support.

3) Barton Fink is a Coen brothers' classic. I'm only about fourteen minutes in but I'm shooting both thumbs way up due to the inclusion of Steve Buscemi. I don't expect to be disappointed.

Drown your sorrys in rentals, people... don't waste the cash on going to the theater or to the Virgin Megastore!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Michael Moore: Not As Crappy A Filmmaker As Originally Thought

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am an annoyingly loyal supporter of Newstarget.com (I would drink the raw, organic kool-aid if they sent me an article telling me to do so). The site has transformed the way I look at food, food politics, and really, entire political, economic, social and cultural systems.
Newstarget spreads truth and information to those of us who seek it, and for that, I am in awe of my Health Ranger, Mike Adams, and the staff who consistently champions the message of health freedom.
That being said...
WTF IS UP WITH THIS MOVIE TRAILER? It reminds me of collages I made in sixth grade: not cohesive, ill-conceived, unorganized, inartistic, and BAD. Peep the dude "Bobby Rice" in the clip. He never says a word, gazes off into the distance (totally tuning out Mike) and it appears he STARTS BITING HIS FINGERNAILS while the Ranger pontificates about "ignorant consumers." (!!) And what's up with the tiny monkey statue the camera randomly zooms in on?? Are they likening consumers to monkeys? Further, are Taco Bell self-serve soda machines responsible for my not being able to secure a bank account?
Oh man, just watch it.

Trailer For "All Jacked Up"

Friday, January 18, 2008

Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice... & Earthy

I ate a vegan donut today, my first. I'll say it was edible, sweetly indulgent. But if I am really being honest, at times I tasted the arm sweat of an obnoxious Berkeley hippy.

The power of association.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Love: My Dentist, Coughing, Poverty... Hate: Yahoo

So I signed up for (and PAID TO JOIN) Yahoo personals last night cos I was super bored and figured 'what the hell' and 'this could be entertaining' and all that bullshit -- TOTALLY IGNORING THAT 1) I HATE YAHOO (THEIR SITE IS A MESS TO NAVIGATE) AND 2) I HATE ONLINE DATING and frankly, after perusing my pre-determined 'matches', I didn't see EVEN ONE DUDE I WOULD CONTACT.
I thought I'd have some fun creating my profile! My intro line was "Yahoo's intro line suggestions are pretty lame." I ended my Description with "The humorless need not contact me." And I did use the word "fucked" and I did use the word "sex"-- but other than that IT WAS PRETTY CIVIL AND TAME, WHILE STILL BEING CLEVER. So Yahoo says they have to REVIEW my shit to make sure it's appropriate. I should have fucking known better.
This morning I find out my intro line and my description were rejected and had to be changed, and I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO PUT THAT WOULD FIT THEIR FASCIST FUNDAMENTALIST GUIDELINES WHILE STILL REPRESENTING EVEN AN IOTA OF WHO I AM. I realize I am not the ideal candidate for Yahoo dating (or any dating it seems) so I go to cancel my account and I end up spiraling down into the depths of hell trying to find the link that allows me to do that. Of course, it is impossible to locate and there isn't a fucking 800 number anywhere to be found. (I can't believe I dated a guy who worked for such an evil operation -- and BARF, he was so fucking smug about it.)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

A Case For Voter Aptitude Testing

Today, I had to explain to a client how a credit card works:

"Enterprise has already been paid, by your Visa."
"But I haven't paid the Visa, so Enterprise hasn't been paid."
"No, Enterprise billed your Visa, Visa paid them and now you owe $600 to Visa."
"How could Visa pay Enterprise when I haven't paid Visa yet?"
"Um, this is how a credit card works."
"Are you sure that's how it works?"
"But I haven't paid Visa yet!"
"Do you have a traditional credit card with a credit limit and minimum due?"
"Yes, that's right. [PAUSE] So the Enterprise bill was paid, even though I haven't paid anything?"


Friday, January 11, 2008

Like A Sister & A Brother, We Can Do It To Each Other

OK, so twins separated at birth married each other - but to their credit - the marriage was annulled when the blood relation was discovered. Um, but you know they already had a ton of sex though. How do people NOT INTO INCEST get past that?

Link to Daily Mail, UK

I HATE... (Cos I Don't Have the Self-Enlightenment of David Lynch)

...big, fat white men squeezed into expensive business casual attire, sucking down Coca-Cola and yammering away on their bluetooth-nightmares. Evil thought: Drop dead of a heart attack already.
...walkers without purpose. I saw a girl eyeballing a Starbucks as if she'd never seen one in the wild before. The curious head tilt, the careful examination of its structure, the quick glance around to see if others were seeing what she was seeing. YOU ARE WEARING a tank top with cherries on it, cargo capri-pants and OLD NAVY FUCKING FLIP FLOPS - I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN A STARBUCKS EVERY DAY SINCE YOU WERE BORN. What the fuck are you looking at?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Perception Is Reality, Ranting It Out

I've obviously been going about this whole "life" thing all wrong. Instead of cultivating my interests, becoming more aware of my self and others, generally beefing up my personality and making a point of having something of worth to say, I should have been spending that time, and expending that energy at the gym. SEE, I FORGOT FOR A SECOND THAT ALL DUDES CARE ABOUT IS A GIRL'S RACK.

Diane Keaton Gets It

Link To A Pointless, Mean Article About A Celebrity's Cellulite And How Disgusting It Is

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

DIY Diva, How Do You Do?

For the past couple of years, I have received a virtual The Green Guide to my email and a paper version to my home (yes, yes, the duplication isn't very green of me). Usually I peruse it to ease the environmentally-concerned corner of my conscience, but rarely READ anything (the publication has a tendency to promote green products - which are great - but I can't afford...like an organic mattress or organic jeans or entire organic roofs, lawnmowers, ping pong tables...) However, today, I came across this gem. Blogger for the site, the DIY Diva, offers many creative and useful ways to do/make/clean crap without spending and without polluting! I'm particularly stoked about the chap stick option...even in California the "winter" can take its toll on the lips. And I don't have fancy smacy campy Camper boots, but if I ever got some, I'd know what to do to keep them looking expensive and status-y. (Furthermore, its refreshing to know one can be this new brand of green and still skin cows for footwear! Even Republicans have to agree: Being Green Doesn't Have to Be Extreme.)

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Paying Tribute To A Cute Sucker Who Finally Caught A Break

The sweetest baby heart in all of Mishawaka, Indiana, Sweet B. Heartattack, is having the best day of her life TODAY.
Not only did she randomly and unexpectedly receive the slightly-hipster-yet-still-sweet-assy boots pictured, from a girl who'd received them AS A JOKE (ha...ha...), but she also conned an insurance professional out of 900 smackers! Boots And Cash, sounds like the title of Tarantino attempt at a spaghetti western, but no, it's real life and it happens to real people.

Be careful, B, these things happen in threes!

Monday, January 7, 2008

One's An Asshole, and One's Just Crazy. Alas, I Can't Recall Who Is Who

Keen Observations In Television Continuity, Cell Phones Fuck Up Everything

So, last night, I was chatting with Gekkica Keppup Monkeee, friend extraordinaire working her shit out in the volatile Midwestern weather. Kind of sloppy from the Moonlight Toast, I allowed her to engage me in a lengthy discussion of the unrealistic misuse of cell phones on TV. She angrily described the point of consternation: "I watch my stories in the afternoon and the thing that bothers me the most is how no one seems to have caller ID on their cell phones. I mean, the phone rings and the character gets out the cell phone, doesn't look at it, but flips it open or hits a button and says Hello? With a huge question mark. Or they will say 'Who is this' or 'Oh, you.' In real life, no one answers their cell phone like this, since caller ID always gives away who the caller is. My phone rings, I look at it, SEE WHO IT IS CALLING ME and I may comment aloud or to myself 'Oh her, I'm not in the mood for her' or 'Who's number is that? Not answering.' It drives me nuts."
I confirmed to Gekk that I have observed the same thing on TV shows, but always found the detail too trite to actually bring it up in regular conversation, like this one. I'm happy to have finally unburdened my brain of it though; I think Gekk felt supported and understood. And this is what friendship is, people.
In other cell phone news, Jerry Lor-Lor's need to flip off cell user's on the freeway Saturday, was more justified than either of us knew at the time, per this article on msn.com today. Apparently, gabbing into a hunk of metal whilst driving a hunk of metal WHICH DOUBLES AS WEAPONRY, isn't such a good idea. No! Not because of death, silly, but because of commute times! Studies help us all.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Why Does The Artificial Sweetener Industry Even Exist?


Like, seriously, try tasting something in its natural state for once.

[Link: Lawsuit Against Splenda Moves Forward]

A New John Lennon Movie:Probably Better Than Any Yoko Album

According to this NY Times article (which I didn't read, but SAW), Napoleon Dynamite assassinated John Lennon.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Easy 2008 Resolution: Eat More Apples, You Could Probably Keep Smoking

It's nice to occasionally be reminded that the apple kicks all kinds of cancerous ass. We can all keep drinking too! The article mentions the liver as an organ the apple protects. [Just remember to buy organic, "...the Environmental Working Group warns that apples rank second only to peaches in terms of highest concentration of pesticides in non-organically grown vegetables. Washing reduces but does not remove pesticide residue".] Link

Chris Rock: Whitey's Catchin' On

New discovered tidbit: I'm not the only cracker-ass cracker who likes Chris Rock.

In fact, outside of the excessively foul language, even my mother likes him. She mentioned this to me last August when I was home. After my lengthy (and vocally inaccurate) retelling of Rock's shtick, she unnaturally asked, through tears of laughter, "Will you bring that DVD next time you're here?" My dad and I shared a "wtf" glance of sorts but I agreed to.

Well, I did even better than that this Christmas; I bought her "Never Scared". Of course, I was shocked as hell when mama didn't ooze jubilation upon opening my thoughtful, and parent-unique gift. Both of my parents looked at me like they were first generation immigrants and I just handed them a "Best of: Taxi Cab Confessions" video.

The whole experience worsened when we put in the DVD (after nieces and nephew were put down) and about ten minutes into it, my dad had a coughing fit (unrelated to Rock) so heinous he almost passed out and when I couldn't hear the stand-up over my mother spazing, suggesting we call an ambulance, I decided to stop the program. We never finished it.

Anyways, he's back on tour mutha fuckas: chrisrock.com... Maybe I will get the fam tickets, grandma too!