Ok, Good, Now Add Another Appendage... Lower

Um, I just want to log (blog), in writing, that I had this idea like six years ago, only there also included a vibrator (which is a way better idea if you ask me). Furthermore, the breast-massagers were more "hand-like" adding the option of caressing one's face (like softly, right behind the ear) OR getting one's tits felt up. My friend King Preachy even wrote a song about my idea. So my idea is now logged in angry prose and Myspace music.

And I would further assert that if I had any engineering/mechanical design skills, interest, or desire, I would be very wealthy from all of my many inventions. For example, the half cigarette... think about it. I'm just sick inside my puny brain of all these smarty-pants gear-heads stealing my ideas DECADES after I think them and then reaping all the rewards. I need to life-partner with a scientist or programmer. QUIT EMOTING IN SONGS, AND GET IN THE GARAGE AND BUILD ME SOMETHING WE CAN MASS PRODUCE, GODDAMMIT.

Gizmodo LINK TO ARTICLE by way of Jezebel

Wall-to-Wall "Celebrity" Oscar After-Parties: I'm Really OK With Not Getting an Invite

Click on the photo to really feel the shudder.

New Michel Gondry Film Seems As Charming As He Is, Less French

No doubt: Gondry is a filmmaking genius. All the visual trickery he pulls off is purely organic, physical, inventive, beautifully real...you know, the complete opposite of a Cheetos-schlepping CGI geek's manipulative machinations.
His newest film, Be Kind Rewind, recently premiered in NY. Midway through this NYTimes review is a wee behind-the-scenes video snippet involving set up for the premiere's after-party, and conversation with Gondry himself. He is adorable, I can't deny it. I will say subtitles would have been helpful though.

LINK to Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Recommendation: Take This One Seriously

If you ever listen to me ONCE in your life, please let it be for this: See the movie "Rocket Science". You need more than my prodding? Titty-babies.

Here's other, less personal sources to get you in the mood.
Fresh Air interview with the director
Your usual synopisis/information

After you've devoured the film and shit yourself over how moved you feel (like you could burn the world down or walk through a brick wall)? Download the score/soundtrack.

If you hate art or emotion or fucking laughing then ignore me as usual.

Other Blog Ventures: R.I.F.

I have two "pieces" on ACryIntheDark Zine/Blog: American Virgin and Grind Core, Sincerely.

Check it out. See link to the right.

Your other right.

"Iron My Shirt", Said the Clever Ass

Walking back from BART after work yesterday, a dick riding shotgun in a minivan raised his voice at me, shouting something along the lines of "I want to stick my tiny penis in you" and made that face. You know, the one with mouth wide, tongue undulating in a rapid beat -- mimicking the movements he'd try to reproduce in my vagina (isn't that what that face is for?).
Anyway, I knew I didn't have enough time to pass along my phone number, so I retreated to my secondary reaction to any human contact, and flashed him my most pronounced "You're an utmost idiot" face, and continued on.
The tongue-wagger reminded me of a CNN.com quote Jerry Lor-Lor had read and then relayed to me: "Still, experts warn subtle racism might be more dangerous than overt sexism." We raised hell in my kitchen about that one for awhile, but until today, I hadn't actually READ the whole article.
It raises complex questions about sexism and racism influencing presidential campaigns, and our deepest reactions to them -- what moves us as voters. Does Whitey feel guilty about past race ignorance (which led to enslavement and death)? Is the line too blurred between inherent male/female differences (women-mars, men-venus bullshit) and out-and-out misogyny?
And taking this whole mess a bit deeper, What if Hillary were a lesbian? I don't know. Just Saturday night, heading back to the car in the Mission, some douches drove by me and my three lesbian friends (two fems, one dyke) and noted douche #1 shouted, "Sit on my face". The lesbians took deep, inconsolable offense to this command as they felt it was specifically homophobic. I wondered if that were the case. Perhaps his comment was purely rooted in sexism (hetero or otherwise). I mean, I've had a dude kindly request I sit on his face before and I remember being happy to do so.
So, I know some of you read this and have opinions. Take the goddamn two minutes, set up an account and actually log your opinions. No censorship here.

Something You Didn't Know About Love (On Valentine's Day)

A NYtimes Op-ed piece by Rajaa Alsanea asserted this little ditty about Valentine's day, and Saudi vs. American dating rituals in general, "We 'date' over the phone or by instant messaging, and we enjoy exchanging gifts — through our chauffeurs or housemaids." My first thought: Chauffeur? Exactly how rich are Saudis? My second thought: Ohhh, chauffeurs are commonplace since chicks are too dumb or too weak to drive over there. My third thought: Wait. Housemaids? Exactly how rich are Saudis?

Plus, she thinks the concept of true love actually exists. Is money the key to naivety?

Food News to Use, Abuse

The Mr. Donker's "What's Out" food list... you don't wanna know.

The fat and skinny: Soy is OUT. Sugar will kill you. Alcohol should be consumed in moderation. I can live with these laws. Who likes pasta anyway? WTF ever! You can still have it twice a week! LINK


Who knew the frat boy hazing of the mid-80s had health benefits?

"Raw, unheated, uncooked organic eggs from a clean source are an excellent health tonic. Regularly consuming raw eggs will benefit your health as the raw egg yolk and white helps your body eliminate stored toxins." You may be thinking: Sick, yet interesting. Yah, me too. BUT, there is a recipe for raw egg nog at the end, which I am totally going to try. If I survive the potentially debilitating food poisoning, I will report back on how it turns out. LINK

Oprah Just Sells Shit; Get the Truth on Goji Berries from Esmallass

So this Newstarget article addresses the hype around the latest superfood: Goji berries. I found the article to be very informative about which berries on the market are actually legit, i.e. which berry is actually a "true superfood". The basic three components to check out: "1) Is it Lycium Barbarum species? 2) Is it certified organic? 3) Is it from Ningxia province in China?"

Get your antioxidants while you're still young enough to get 'em.

Should I Adapt Back to the Future or The Karate Kid?

The San Francisco Independent Film Festival is currently in session, and will be until February 20th. How hard it is to go watch a goddamn movie? Go!
I've been granted the pleasure (and pain) of seeing several films for free, as reimbursement for my volunteering gig.
The best, BY FAR, is Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation. I will not go into all the details of HOW it was made (you can read about that here), but to tease you I will say it was made by 12-year old kids. And it's cool as fuck.
They re-enact the entire movie, scene by scene, and utilize the original musical score. I found myself wholly impressed at how much they DIDN'T cut corners, were exceedingly creative in their choices (used the cutest dog ever to replace the monkey), and had the know-how to throw a punch and make you think it was real. If you have the means: SEE IT.
Since being a volunteer guarantees you some hob-nobbing with filmmakers, I chatted up Mr. Indiana Jones himself before the screening. He's short. He smells good. He thinks his movie is orgasmic. He's been on Craig Kilborn (and was wearing the hat to prove it). He didn't even mind that I gave him shit for not getting on Conan -- well -- he hasn't been on "yet".

I Can't Believe I Live Here.

DaVid (that's what he calls himself... also, red flag number one), tried to pass an initiative to turn Alcatraz into a "global peace center". San Francisco declined. Yankee's fan DaVid obviously didn't take into account actual information when this idea birthed (most likely at a vegan BBQ). Rich people who have property facing noted island don't want peace, they want more money. San Franciscan tourists spend tons of cash visiting Alcatraz, as tourists want to see where Al Capone shit. Tourists, nor richies, do not want to gaze into a peace pyramid. Besides, what is the purpose of a global peace center? AS FAR AS I KNOW, ALCATRAZ IS NOT A PRISON ANYMORE. I WAS THERE; IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING PEACEFUL.

LINK to article

No Magic Eight-Ball Prediction: President McCain

Look. I am not claiming to CARE about this presidential race. In fact, I'm not claiming to KNOW DICK about this presidential race. I claim only to know a bit, because I breathe in American oxygen and maintain functioning eyes and ears.
So, to wrap-up: I don't care, am marginally informed and was recently told I may have psychic powers. I am just as qualified as any other nut-job to predict the next Presidente. He's white; he's a he; he's a Vet; he's a republican; he's your fucking president; he's Citizen McCain.

Everyone is LIVING IN A PURPLE HAZE OF NON-EXISTENT GENEROUS ATTORNEYS AND GOOD-TASTING VEGETARIAN HOT DOGS if they think this America, in 2008, will elect a man of color or a woman to the White House.
1) Are you aware that citizens still support the Confederacy and brandish the Confederate flag on mudflaps, lighters and throw pillows? These people vote.
2) Are you aware that citizens are Christian Fundamentalist baboons who would self-crucify before voting for a democrat? These people vote AND comprise TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT of voters.

McCain is it. That's Esmallass's prediction. And if I'm wrong? Well, suck it. I never cared to begin with - it's all going to shit regardless, folks. You want change? Start with yourself, and I'll start with myself.

(And here's a boring NYTimes article trying to convince you the democratic primary still matters at this point.)

My Stab at Keeping You Semi-Informed

Newstarget changed their name to Natural News. I don't personally endorse this switch as I find the name "Newstarget" punchy and ballsy -- hence, legitimate. "Natural News" screams HIPPIE and I am no patchouli-stank hippie. But the articles keep coming nonetheless, and there were some toothy ones this past week!

Eli Manning sold his soul to Oreo Cookies, and now the back-fat of America's youth is his responsibility.

Really though, the Health Ranger does make a fabulous point here about endorsement deals, "Celebrities who accept money in exchange for appearing in commercials have an ethical duty to fully understand the effects of what they're promoting." And what do I say? Watching that new Manning/Oreo commercial was like hearing a stoner storyboard his bad acid trip, and if you can't avoid toxic chemical promotion, at least promote clever advertising. LINK


Even Diet-Vanilla-Cherry-Pie-Crust-Dr. Pepper isn't "good" for you.

Yep, that's right. More scientific studies continue to prove that soda (whether regular or diet) and/or carbonated beverages cause health woes. Talk about the biggest surprise of my day! LINK


The Mediterranean way of eating keeps you from disease, and you live longer.

"Deaths from any cause were significantly lower for both men and women in the Mediterranean diet group along with a significantly lower risk for death from cancer or cardiovascular disease."
Hey, I don't want cancer as much as the next guy -- but how long a life are we talking here? I'm not sure I'm aiming for my nineties either. Although, I suppose I'd rather face emotional pain and probable loneliness than debilitating chemotherapy and dementia... alright, pass the fish. LINK

So Now I'm Shallow, AND I Drink Significant Amounts of Beer

My new favorite hobby is counting calories. I've indulged this obsession before, but then gave it up as I found the practice unsettling for the psyche. Nah, that's not true. I didn't want to pay the $9 monthly fee to the website. So now I'm back on it, and loving every minute of it. (Dude, you wouldn't believe how many calories are in a biscuit.)
So the website asks you to input your food or drink, and the amount consumed, and it calculates how many calories you've allowed into your ass AND keeps a tab of how many remain, for the day, in order for you to reach your goal weight. Make sense? Whatever. Just read this fantastic email I received from MyFoodDiary.com's billing department after I'd had some technical difficulties on their site:

Hi Esmallestass.

Our system alerted us that you encountered a problem today when you tried to view your food diary. We looked into it and found the problem. You entered that you consumed 2436 fl oz of Anchor Steam beer. This exceeded the calorie limits of our system. We removed this entry and the alert has cleared. You will need to re-enter the beer.

Have a great weekend.

Thanks,
Justin