Look, I can't catch a break. Every guy has a bubble-butt girlfriend he sucks at the teet of all day long, and that leaves me with the porn-sex seekers, the emotionally damaged (my heart! my heart!), the slightly deranged cosby sweaters, the DJsmakinbreakinbeatsyo, the balding lawyers who love to bike and adore The Big Lebowski which kind of tricks you into thinking they might be cool and then you find out they also wear hiking shoes around town like they're regular shoes and own hoards of North Face gear and SKIS, oh, and lesbians.
The options for meeting these folks are even more tragic. Have you ever tried one of these legitimate dating websites? The Sincere Loser seeks the mother of his children (and most likely his self) will woo you by offering "You're Cute." Oh, really? Will you tell me to keep my nose out of your trashcan later? The Humorless Intellectual whose vocabulary has been cultivated via years of insanely boring reading (have you ever had cause to use "laconic"?). IF YOU'RE SHOWING OFF YOUR VOCABULARY, IT IS MOST LIKELY ALL YOU HAVE TO SHOW OFF. And to be honest, I could barely pass the "credit check" for Yahoo because the site is controlled by a totalitarian regime of love-police who think using the F-word in her ad means she's not serious about love... and after being CENSORED like eighty different times I said So Long Assholes Enjoy Your Surveillance and moved along to the Onion. Jesus. Just because people LIKE funny shit, doesn't mean they ARE funny. And as a general aside, if I see another arbitrary use of ellipses, I'll kick my own ass; I'll pulverize it in protest.
This brings me to my point.
I'm tired. I'm tired of writing these ads and reading the responses. I'm tired of blah blah blah I'm from the Midwest and I've been divorced blah blah blah I love sushi too! You like that band? I hate that band! That band sucks! See you later. blah blah blah blah blah Let's meet up! Drinks? Where should we go? blah blah blah emails. So many emails slowly chipping away at my soul. Do you know how many people in the Bay area know I like The Office -- especially the UK version? Do you know how sad that makes me feel? Assholes that I hate think they know me because I mentioned I like The Office. Well, I do like The Office so now you know too.
Ok, THAT brings me to my point.
This is my last effort. I'd prefer to meet people through normal channels, but it just doesn't seem to happen for me. I'm on my second glass of whiskey and I'm just going to put it all out there.
This is who/what I am looking for: A casual, sexual relationship. One where I'm not up your ass and you're not up mine. I have a lot going on and I have very fulfilling familial and friendly relationships. I am very much "whole-ish" without you in my life. Now, I'm not discounting the possibility of love. Shit, if I want to love you then I will, but don't expect it. I'm not looking for something I think no one understands. I'm not looking to feel some counterfeit version of what you think love is or looks or feels like. Uninterested. I don't want to be your girlfriend. I want to hang out and have fun and have sex and not think about the sex just have it. Is this do-able? Am I unreasonable? I don't think that I am. And if you don't think that I am, then you may have a fighting chance to indulge in the easiest relationship of your entire adult life.
Calm down, I don't want to just have sex with any person. I want to want to talk to you after it's over. My type: creative, funny, self-deprecating, a kind asshole, independent, a thinker, doesn't care about status, has good taste. I am those things too. If you found this post "saucy" or "spicy" or "spunky" or "hot" or something along those lines and your brain did not compute as I belong to COUNTER-CULTURE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT but you feel intrigued because you're an unaware misogynist, DO NOT CONTACT ME. If you can legitimately identify and associate with the my voice because it's a voice you recognize and maybe have even used, then you should contact me.
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