Ok, Good, Now Add Another Appendage... Lower

Um, I just want to log (blog), in writing, that I had this idea like six years ago, only there also included a vibrator (which is a way better idea if you ask me). Furthermore, the breast-massagers were more "hand-like" adding the option of caressing one's face (like softly, right behind the ear) OR getting one's tits felt up. My friend King Preachy even wrote a song about my idea. So my idea is now logged in angry prose and Myspace music.

And I would further assert that if I had any engineering/mechanical design skills, interest, or desire, I would be very wealthy from all of my many inventions. For example, the half cigarette... think about it. I'm just sick inside my puny brain of all these smarty-pants gear-heads stealing my ideas DECADES after I think them and then reaping all the rewards. I need to life-partner with a scientist or programmer. QUIT EMOTING IN SONGS, AND GET IN THE GARAGE AND BUILD ME SOMETHING WE CAN MASS PRODUCE, GODDAMMIT.

Gizmodo LINK TO ARTICLE by way of Jezebel

Wall-to-Wall "Celebrity" Oscar After-Parties: I'm Really OK With Not Getting an Invite

Click on the photo to really feel the shudder.

New Michel Gondry Film Seems As Charming As He Is, Less French

No doubt: Gondry is a filmmaking genius. All the visual trickery he pulls off is purely organic, physical, inventive, beautifully real...you know, the complete opposite of a Cheetos-schlepping CGI geek's manipulative machinations.
His newest film, Be Kind Rewind, recently premiered in NY. Midway through this NYTimes review is a wee behind-the-scenes video snippet involving set up for the premiere's after-party, and conversation with Gondry himself. He is adorable, I can't deny it. I will say subtitles would have been helpful though.

LINK to Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Recommendation: Take This One Seriously

If you ever listen to me ONCE in your life, please let it be for this: See the movie "Rocket Science". You need more than my prodding? Titty-babies.

Here's other, less personal sources to get you in the mood.
Fresh Air interview with the director
Your usual synopisis/information

After you've devoured the film and shit yourself over how moved you feel (like you could burn the world down or walk through a brick wall)? Download the score/soundtrack.

If you hate art or emotion or fucking laughing then ignore me as usual.

Other Blog Ventures: R.I.F.

I have two "pieces" on ACryIntheDark Zine/Blog: American Virgin and Grind Core, Sincerely.

Check it out. See link to the right.

Your other right.

"Iron My Shirt", Said the Clever Ass

Walking back from BART after work yesterday, a dick riding shotgun in a minivan raised his voice at me, shouting something along the lines of "I want to stick my tiny penis in you" and made that face. You know, the one with mouth wide, tongue undulating in a rapid beat -- mimicking the movements he'd try to reproduce in my vagina (isn't that what that face is for?).
Anyway, I knew I didn't have enough time to pass along my phone number, so I retreated to my secondary reaction to any human contact, and flashed him my most pronounced "You're an utmost idiot" face, and continued on.
The tongue-wagger reminded me of a CNN.com quote Jerry Lor-Lor had read and then relayed to me: "Still, experts warn subtle racism might be more dangerous than overt sexism." We raised hell in my kitchen about that one for awhile, but until today, I hadn't actually READ the whole article.
It raises complex questions about sexism and racism influencing presidential campaigns, and our deepest reactions to them -- what moves us as voters. Does Whitey feel guilty about past race ignorance (which led to enslavement and death)? Is the line too blurred between inherent male/female differences (women-mars, men-venus bullshit) and out-and-out misogyny?
And taking this whole mess a bit deeper, What if Hillary were a lesbian? I don't know. Just Saturday night, heading back to the car in the Mission, some douches drove by me and my three lesbian friends (two fems, one dyke) and noted douche #1 shouted, "Sit on my face". The lesbians took deep, inconsolable offense to this command as they felt it was specifically homophobic. I wondered if that were the case. Perhaps his comment was purely rooted in sexism (hetero or otherwise). I mean, I've had a dude kindly request I sit on his face before and I remember being happy to do so.
So, I know some of you read this and have opinions. Take the goddamn two minutes, set up an account and actually log your opinions. No censorship here.

Something You Didn't Know About Love (On Valentine's Day)

A NYtimes Op-ed piece by Rajaa Alsanea asserted this little ditty about Valentine's day, and Saudi vs. American dating rituals in general, "We 'date' over the phone or by instant messaging, and we enjoy exchanging gifts — through our chauffeurs or housemaids." My first thought: Chauffeur? Exactly how rich are Saudis? My second thought: Ohhh, chauffeurs are commonplace since chicks are too dumb or too weak to drive over there. My third thought: Wait. Housemaids? Exactly how rich are Saudis?

Plus, she thinks the concept of true love actually exists. Is money the key to naivety?

Food News to Use, Abuse

The Mr. Donker's "What's Out" food list... you don't wanna know.

The fat and skinny: Soy is OUT. Sugar will kill you. Alcohol should be consumed in moderation. I can live with these laws. Who likes pasta anyway? WTF ever! You can still have it twice a week! LINK


Who knew the frat boy hazing of the mid-80s had health benefits?

"Raw, unheated, uncooked organic eggs from a clean source are an excellent health tonic. Regularly consuming raw eggs will benefit your health as the raw egg yolk and white helps your body eliminate stored toxins." You may be thinking: Sick, yet interesting. Yah, me too. BUT, there is a recipe for raw egg nog at the end, which I am totally going to try. If I survive the potentially debilitating food poisoning, I will report back on how it turns out. LINK

Oprah Just Sells Shit; Get the Truth on Goji Berries from Esmallass

So this Newstarget article addresses the hype around the latest superfood: Goji berries. I found the article to be very informative about which berries on the market are actually legit, i.e. which berry is actually a "true superfood". The basic three components to check out: "1) Is it Lycium Barbarum species? 2) Is it certified organic? 3) Is it from Ningxia province in China?"

Get your antioxidants while you're still young enough to get 'em.

Should I Adapt Back to the Future or The Karate Kid?

The San Francisco Independent Film Festival is currently in session, and will be until February 20th. How hard it is to go watch a goddamn movie? Go!
I've been granted the pleasure (and pain) of seeing several films for free, as reimbursement for my volunteering gig.
The best, BY FAR, is Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation. I will not go into all the details of HOW it was made (you can read about that here), but to tease you I will say it was made by 12-year old kids. And it's cool as fuck.
They re-enact the entire movie, scene by scene, and utilize the original musical score. I found myself wholly impressed at how much they DIDN'T cut corners, were exceedingly creative in their choices (used the cutest dog ever to replace the monkey), and had the know-how to throw a punch and make you think it was real. If you have the means: SEE IT.
Since being a volunteer guarantees you some hob-nobbing with filmmakers, I chatted up Mr. Indiana Jones himself before the screening. He's short. He smells good. He thinks his movie is orgasmic. He's been on Craig Kilborn (and was wearing the hat to prove it). He didn't even mind that I gave him shit for not getting on Conan -- well -- he hasn't been on "yet".

I Can't Believe I Live Here.

DaVid (that's what he calls himself... also, red flag number one), tried to pass an initiative to turn Alcatraz into a "global peace center". San Francisco declined. Yankee's fan DaVid obviously didn't take into account actual information when this idea birthed (most likely at a vegan BBQ). Rich people who have property facing noted island don't want peace, they want more money. San Franciscan tourists spend tons of cash visiting Alcatraz, as tourists want to see where Al Capone shit. Tourists, nor richies, do not want to gaze into a peace pyramid. Besides, what is the purpose of a global peace center? AS FAR AS I KNOW, ALCATRAZ IS NOT A PRISON ANYMORE. I WAS THERE; IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING PEACEFUL.

LINK to article

No Magic Eight-Ball Prediction: President McCain

Look. I am not claiming to CARE about this presidential race. In fact, I'm not claiming to KNOW DICK about this presidential race. I claim only to know a bit, because I breathe in American oxygen and maintain functioning eyes and ears.
So, to wrap-up: I don't care, am marginally informed and was recently told I may have psychic powers. I am just as qualified as any other nut-job to predict the next Presidente. He's white; he's a he; he's a Vet; he's a republican; he's your fucking president; he's Citizen McCain.

Everyone is LIVING IN A PURPLE HAZE OF NON-EXISTENT GENEROUS ATTORNEYS AND GOOD-TASTING VEGETARIAN HOT DOGS if they think this America, in 2008, will elect a man of color or a woman to the White House.
1) Are you aware that citizens still support the Confederacy and brandish the Confederate flag on mudflaps, lighters and throw pillows? These people vote.
2) Are you aware that citizens are Christian Fundamentalist baboons who would self-crucify before voting for a democrat? These people vote AND comprise TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT of voters.

McCain is it. That's Esmallass's prediction. And if I'm wrong? Well, suck it. I never cared to begin with - it's all going to shit regardless, folks. You want change? Start with yourself, and I'll start with myself.

(And here's a boring NYTimes article trying to convince you the democratic primary still matters at this point.)

My Stab at Keeping You Semi-Informed

Newstarget changed their name to Natural News. I don't personally endorse this switch as I find the name "Newstarget" punchy and ballsy -- hence, legitimate. "Natural News" screams HIPPIE and I am no patchouli-stank hippie. But the articles keep coming nonetheless, and there were some toothy ones this past week!

Eli Manning sold his soul to Oreo Cookies, and now the back-fat of America's youth is his responsibility.

Really though, the Health Ranger does make a fabulous point here about endorsement deals, "Celebrities who accept money in exchange for appearing in commercials have an ethical duty to fully understand the effects of what they're promoting." And what do I say? Watching that new Manning/Oreo commercial was like hearing a stoner storyboard his bad acid trip, and if you can't avoid toxic chemical promotion, at least promote clever advertising. LINK


Even Diet-Vanilla-Cherry-Pie-Crust-Dr. Pepper isn't "good" for you.

Yep, that's right. More scientific studies continue to prove that soda (whether regular or diet) and/or carbonated beverages cause health woes. Talk about the biggest surprise of my day! LINK


The Mediterranean way of eating keeps you from disease, and you live longer.

"Deaths from any cause were significantly lower for both men and women in the Mediterranean diet group along with a significantly lower risk for death from cancer or cardiovascular disease."
Hey, I don't want cancer as much as the next guy -- but how long a life are we talking here? I'm not sure I'm aiming for my nineties either. Although, I suppose I'd rather face emotional pain and probable loneliness than debilitating chemotherapy and dementia... alright, pass the fish. LINK

So Now I'm Shallow, AND I Drink Significant Amounts of Beer

My new favorite hobby is counting calories. I've indulged this obsession before, but then gave it up as I found the practice unsettling for the psyche. Nah, that's not true. I didn't want to pay the $9 monthly fee to the website. So now I'm back on it, and loving every minute of it. (Dude, you wouldn't believe how many calories are in a biscuit.)
So the website asks you to input your food or drink, and the amount consumed, and it calculates how many calories you've allowed into your ass AND keeps a tab of how many remain, for the day, in order for you to reach your goal weight. Make sense? Whatever. Just read this fantastic email I received from MyFoodDiary.com's billing department after I'd had some technical difficulties on their site:

Hi Esmallestass.

Our system alerted us that you encountered a problem today when you tried to view your food diary. We looked into it and found the problem. You entered that you consumed 2436 fl oz of Anchor Steam beer. This exceeded the calorie limits of our system. We removed this entry and the alert has cleared. You will need to re-enter the beer.

Have a great weekend.

Thanks,
Justin

Who Needs A Boyfriend When Jared Leto's On TV?

My sister, Coppercrotch, basically rules. For my birthday she paid Amazon to ship me the complete series box set of My So-Called Life. She spelled words wrong in my card/Amazon billing slip, but who's counting? I LOVE YOU, CC! And as a treat to whoever looks at this thing on occasion (by "thing" I mean "blog"), I plan to post RECAPS of each and every angst-y, emo-addled, bitter-pancakes episode. Yes, that's right: You win.

"The Great Drunken Spending Orgy Is Nearly Over"

Well, I promised the economic dirt, and this blog has enough mud for all the housing the federales will be forced to build after the bankrupt middle-class loses its price-inflated equity-deprived dwellings. That's right people: Worthless dollar bills are about to hit the fan.
Then again, they may not. What do I know, really?
Anyways, The Health Ranger thinks so and he PREDICTED THIS WHOLE DAMN MESS BACK IN 2005 (don't worry, the article I link to refers to the prediction).
He's not a psychic, he just lives on superfoods and really expensive supplements. Coppercrotch's theory: His brain thinks more clearly, with higher-grade logic than most since it isn't clogged with bong resin, whiskey goo and Lunchables' preserve.
I highly encourage you to read to entire article, but I know you won't. So I've taken the liberty of cutting and pasting the best/most useful junk below.

Making The Case

The CAUSE

"Americans have been convinced over the last seven years that housing prices would rise forever, allowing people to simply extract money from their home equity as if their house were some sort of giant ATM machine." (emphasis mine)

"...'economic good times'... powered by astonishingly fraudulent lending practices by dishonest banks..." (emphasis mine)

The FALL OUT

"And the worst part of it all? The only way out of this financial mess is for the Federal Reserve to steal yet more money from the American people by printing more money and hyperinflating the currency." (emphasis, the Health Ranger's)

"...this nation won't learn its lessons about the laws of economics until the currency is near-worthless, the population is destitute, the banks are owned by wealthy foreigners and the neighborhoods are boarded up and abandoned due to a massive wave of foreclosures." (again, emphasis his)

"...the Federal Reserve is going to be trying (in vain) to print its way out of the debt implosion by creating hundreds of billions of dollars out of thin air -- an act that quietly steals money from the people due to the loss of purchasing power (inflation)."

The SUGGESTIONS TO YOU

1) Own Your Car 2) Own Your Home 3) Stop spending money on stupid overpriced things 4) Protect Your Health 5) Own Productive Land 6) Own A Bicycle 7) Diversify Your Money, Son

The UNBELIEVABLE MESS

The fucking US government is going to have to re-evaluate their spending habits. See below the top three WASTES the US puts money into:

"1) WAR: Department of Defense + Veterans' benefits ($580.5 billion)
2) DISEASE: Medicare + Medicaid ($614.1 billion)
3) DEBT: Debt to the people (Social Security + Welfare) and to debt holders (interest on national debt) ($1,115.4 billion)

What's fascinating about all this is that these three things take up 85% of the federal budget! (Total 2006 federal budget was $2.7 trillion.)" (emphasis his)

His CLEVER FINAL PREDICTION

"The Plunge Protection Team in Washington (and at the Fed) will do their best to keep propping up this economy like a Weekend At Bernie's."

You don't read Weekend At Bernie's jokes all too often. Score.

Good Luck, friends. Link to full article here.

Forewarning: Forewarning Forthcoming

I am currently working on a depressing blog regarding the state of our economy, which will include the quote (possibly as the title, if she fits): "This nation has actually been partying like a rich banker's daughter on her 21st birthday who borrowed daddy's credit card and hit the town for a night of (finally) legalized drinking." ( Newstarget.com)

So until that killer is ready for posting (the article is eleven pages!), let's escape reality for a little longer via movie recommendations! I've got three for ya.

1) SherryBaby, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as a single mom//former drug addict//current sex addict//sexual abuse "survivor"//parolee// mess of a person. Actually, I have 20 minutes left in that one -- but so far the "that's pretty fucked up without being obvious and manipulative" factor holds strong (which I always consider a positive attribute of an indie flick).

2) OT: Our Town is a documentary about high school kids from Compton's hood attempting to put on a stage production of "Our Town" -- without funding, an auditorium, skills or the basketball team's support.

3) Barton Fink is a Coen brothers' classic. I'm only about fourteen minutes in but I'm shooting both thumbs way up due to the inclusion of Steve Buscemi. I don't expect to be disappointed.

Drown your sorrys in rentals, people... don't waste the cash on going to the theater or to the Virgin Megastore!

Michael Moore: Not As Crappy A Filmmaker As Originally Thought

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am an annoyingly loyal supporter of Newstarget.com (I would drink the raw, organic kool-aid if they sent me an article telling me to do so). The site has transformed the way I look at food, food politics, and really, entire political, economic, social and cultural systems.
Newstarget spreads truth and information to those of us who seek it, and for that, I am in awe of my Health Ranger, Mike Adams, and the staff who consistently champions the message of health freedom.
That being said...
WTF IS UP WITH THIS MOVIE TRAILER? It reminds me of collages I made in sixth grade: not cohesive, ill-conceived, unorganized, inartistic, and BAD. Peep the dude "Bobby Rice" in the clip. He never says a word, gazes off into the distance (totally tuning out Mike) and it appears he STARTS BITING HIS FINGERNAILS while the Ranger pontificates about "ignorant consumers." (!!) And what's up with the tiny monkey statue the camera randomly zooms in on?? Are they likening consumers to monkeys? Further, are Taco Bell self-serve soda machines responsible for my not being able to secure a bank account?
Oh man, just watch it.

Trailer For "All Jacked Up"

Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice... & Earthy

I ate a vegan donut today, my first. I'll say it was edible, sweetly indulgent. But if I am really being honest, at times I tasted the arm sweat of an obnoxious Berkeley hippy.

The power of association.

Love: My Dentist, Coughing, Poverty... Hate: Yahoo

So I signed up for (and PAID TO JOIN) Yahoo personals last night cos I was super bored and figured 'what the hell' and 'this could be entertaining' and all that bullshit -- TOTALLY IGNORING THAT 1) I HATE YAHOO (THEIR SITE IS A MESS TO NAVIGATE) AND 2) I HATE ONLINE DATING and frankly, after perusing my pre-determined 'matches', I didn't see EVEN ONE DUDE I WOULD CONTACT.
I thought I'd have some fun creating my profile! My intro line was "Yahoo's intro line suggestions are pretty lame." I ended my Description with "The humorless need not contact me." And I did use the word "fucked" and I did use the word "sex"-- but other than that IT WAS PRETTY CIVIL AND TAME, WHILE STILL BEING CLEVER. So Yahoo says they have to REVIEW my shit to make sure it's appropriate. I should have fucking known better.
This morning I find out my intro line and my description were rejected and had to be changed, and I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO PUT THAT WOULD FIT THEIR FASCIST FUNDAMENTALIST GUIDELINES WHILE STILL REPRESENTING EVEN AN IOTA OF WHO I AM. I realize I am not the ideal candidate for Yahoo dating (or any dating it seems) so I go to cancel my account and I end up spiraling down into the depths of hell trying to find the link that allows me to do that. Of course, it is impossible to locate and there isn't a fucking 800 number anywhere to be found. (I can't believe I dated a guy who worked for such an evil operation -- and BARF, he was so fucking smug about it.)
AND TO TOP IT OFF, THIS MARRIED (told me he was separated) ASSHOLE WHO I MET ONCE AND THEN HE STOOD ME UP, ACTUALLY HAD THE BALLS TO EMAIL ME AGAIN AND MY REPLY WAS "EMAIL YOUR WIFE".